Do you want to stop your Jealousy right now?
Your Jealousy can be fixed
You don't have to put with feelings of Jealousy. It is actually fairly easy to treat. And it is more common than you might think. It affects both men and women. People often don't try to get help because they feel like somehow it is their fault, and they feel deeply embarrassed to admit it.
People who are jealous are not weak, or needy, or stupid, or anything else.
They are suffering from a primitive fear. The fear that you will love someone, and they will withdraw their love. And leave you lonely and abandoned. That thought triggers an unbearable feeling of loss.
A feeling you have had before, and never want to have again. You know that feeling, you know it will leave you devastated and aching. So something drives to prevent having that feeling. You will do anything, anything, to prevent a breakup. And that is where the trouble lies.
I have dealt with many cases of jealousy. Some people are worried about their current partner, other people cannot stop thinking about their partner's previous relationships.
The easy way to end Jealousy
What is Jealousy?
Lots of things ruin relationships. Everyone wants a loving relationship, and everyone wants their relationships to last. But some people are just unable to accept any kind of threat to their relationships.
They cannot bear the thought that their partner might be talking to others, might be thinking of breaking off, might be seeing someone else. This is called romantic or Suspicious Jealousy. If one partner thinks that there is a specific, real threat to their relationship, and they immediately go into action to stop it, this is called Reactive Jealousy.
Other people start to obsess about who their partner dated with before they met. This is called Retroactive jealousy. They start to imagine that their partner is remembering how it was, that previous lovers were better, more satisfying. Then the worry comes up: am I getting compared, criticized? Am I not good enough?
This fear becomes so overwhelming that they need constant reassurance. If their partner doesn't contact them every day, they get resentful and angry. They worry that their partner might secretly be contacting others. So they open their mail, check their cellphone records, follow their partner around and spy on them. Or they set up romantic traps to see if their partner responds.
Definition of Jealousy
It is important to notice the difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is feeling bad because someone else has something that you don't, and you think you deserve it, and they don't. You do not have an emotional connection to them.
Jealousy is a phobia, an irrational fear of the pain you will feel when you lose an emotional connection with someone. The someone can be a romantic partner, or just a friend.
Jealous people live with an overwhelming anxiety that their relationship is on the verge of breaking up. Unfortunately their obsessive behavior too often brings about that breakup. They realize they are causing their partner to become more distant, but they can't stop themselves. The fear is too much.
But because of that, they redouble their efforts and stress out even more. Until at some point, their behavior becomes too much for everybody concerned. And that triggers what they feared. The relationship ends, and the emotional pain, that howling loneliness, comes back again.
Jealous behavior can continue even after the relationship has ended. The jealous partner continues to obsess about the person. Sometimes stalking and harassing them even when there is no possibility of the relationship being restarted.
Synonyms for Jealousy
How to cure your Jealousy
Your jealousy comes from a fear of the pain that will follow when your relationship ends. You love the other person. But you are afraid they are going to leave you , and cause you pain.
Every jealous person has a memory of being hurt in the past when some special relationship ended. Your unconscious mind desperately does not want to be hurt that way again.
It started in childhood when someone - a parent, teacher, grandparent - someone you loved and needed, disappeared or died. That loss left you as a child hurting and unable to do anything about it.
In your mind the pain is remembered as overwhelming, life threatening, a gigantic fear. Your unconscious mind will do anything, absolutely anything, to avoid re-experiencing that pain.
Any amount of effort is justified to avoid another loss like that.
The constant vigilance, checking, obsessing, is designed to monitor the relationship, to not miss the tiniest signal that something might be wrong. As soon as the tiniest signal is seen, then every effort is instantly thrown into action to pull back the situation.
Get rid of your jealousy easily and quickly
There are two different types of jealousy. You can be worried that your partner doesn't love you enough and is going to leave. Or you can be worried about being compared to previous lovers. They need different treatments.
However, what ever form it takes, it can be cleared. The solution is to focus on your fear, not your behavior.
The process of removing any irrational fear is to modify the way your mind sees that fear. By changing how your mind sees it, the fear itself will be changed.
Hypnosis therapy is the usual approach to clearing jealousy. One way is to get you to project an image of your fears onto a culturally acceptable metaphor. This is usually an imaginary dragon.
Then you step by step systematically modify your dragon. This way you modify your fear directly. The session does not use hypnosis. You are awake and alert throughout the whole process.
Another way is to go in via the feeling of dread, anxiety, panic or whatever it is you get when you think about your relationship ending. You are then asked "If that feeling was an object, what colour would it be?".
This makes you create an image of the feeling. Then you can change the feeling by changing that image. The metaphor, the image, is a direct representation of what you are feeling. Any change to the description of the 'thing' causes an equal change to the feeling.
I then continue getting more details of the 'thing'. You describe it in terms of size, behaviour, what it is made from, and so on. I get a complete a description.
Change how you feel
Then I encourage you to think of what your life would be like if the jealous feeling wasn't there. That way you create a link between how you will feel when it is gone, with getting rid of the 'thing'.
Then I get you to think about how you might change some part of your 'thing'. "Could you imagine it a different colour?" "Maybe it could become a little smaller?" and so on.
Eventually your 'thing' changes so much it is no longer the same thing. At some point it decides to change into something else. At that point, your fear has gone.
The outcome is that you have changed how you think about your partner's behaviour. Because of how your mind works, you will now experience the same situation in a different way.
When I ask you to imagine the situation again, to re-access the feelings of jealousy, you will find that the feeling has gone. Your old feelings will be replaced by new positive feelings.
Meaning of Jealousy
It comes from the same root as 'zealous', meaning keen, determined, passionate, intensely motivated. This is found in the Bible where God jealously guards his followers. That is, with untiring efforts to protect them. The same intensity of feeling is found in jealous behavior, constantly watching someone you love.
Jealousy Case: Reliving Loss
I had a client yesterday who told me she had a jealousy issue. She was a very young woman. Jealousy is not unusual in young women. What was unusual about this client is that she was not jealous about a boyfriend or some other girl.
In this case, she gets anxious when she is with a friend and that friend goes to talk to someone else. It is the fear of losing that other person. She gets a sick feeling inside.
She doesn't seem to have anything else in her life that is wrong. Just this thing about always fearing that the her friend has gone off and won't come back.
This behavior was so specific, so emotionally charged, that I thought that Hypnotic Regression would be the best approach. I suspected that at some point in her childhood she had been abandoned.
That caused a fear in her. This fear was likely being triggered by any observed behavior that might lead to her feeling abandoned again.
I did a simple breathing induction. Young people are generally more susceptible to hypnosis so I shortened the induction because of her age. As I thought, she turned out to be very susceptible. I could clearly see all the stages of hypnosis in her face as she went under.
Jealousy Hypnosis therapy procedure
I gently took her back to the feeling that she has when she thinks someone is going away to talk to someone else. "Allow yourself to get into that feeling. Feel that feeling.
Allow that feeling to come out, that feeling you get when you think that someone is going away to talk to someone else and leaving you." "When you have the feeling, just say the word 'yes'".
When she told me that she had the feeling, she was feeling it right now, I then asked her to go back to the first time she had ever felt that way. I said "allow your mind to go back in time, to the first time you ever felt that feeling.
When you get that first feeling your mind will give you a memory, a picture, something about what you are doing and what was going on at that time."
She immediately went back to a specific moment in time. Her mother was telling her that her father had died. "You will never see him again."
The feeling that my client had was a deep sadness that she would never get to know him. She said she was aged five or six at the time.
I asked her gently how that child felt. She said "scared, lonely, anger at not getting to know him more." "Confusion".
Inner child work
I then got her to go back to that child, as herself as an adult. I got her to introduce herself to that child. "Tell the child who you are. Tell the child that you are there for her.
Let that child know that you love her and you will always be there for her. She will never be lonely again. Hold that child. Put your arms around her. Feel her little fragile body. Feel the fear and anger and loneliness."
"Now take the fear from her. Tell her it is okay. Tell she did not do anything wrong.
Say to her that she is a beautiful little girl. And that you love her. Make it right for her."
"Now make that little girl smile. You know how to make little girls smile. Now get her to laugh.
Now take her out of that place, take her outside somewhere nice. Some place where she can play."
"Then watch as she grows." I then suggested that my client, the adult, could watch over that little girl. "You can be there as she grows. When she falls down you can pick up. You can kiss it better.
Watch as she becomes six and seven years old, a child. Then she becomes nine and 10, a girl. Then 11 and 13, a teenager. And you are there with her every step of the way. Helping her, showing her what to do, telling her that she is beautiful and strong and you love her totally."
"Then she becomes 15 and 16, a young woman. Then 19 and 20. An adult. Strong, resilient, outgoing, exactly the kind of person you want to be."
Reintegrate her inner child
"And then that young girl grows to be exactly the same age as you are now. And you put your arms out and she puts her arms out. You embrace each other. As you become one person. You are her and she is you. She is in you and you are in her."
"You can become aware of that little girl deep inside. And every now and again, this little laugh bubbles up from nowhere that lets you know she is there. To remind you that there is a happy , laughing, playing girl inside. And you love her. She is beautiful. She is now part of you."
"So take a deep breath now. Take a deep breath and just relax everything."
"Now go around your body and check to see if there's anything left of that old feeling."
She she said the feeling had gone away completely. She said she felt so relaxed now.
We spent some time discussing what she had experienced. She said that her father had died when she was a child. He died of a heart attack very suddenly.
And it appears that she never got over him leaving. Until now.
Jealousy Case: Can’t Let go of what she said
My client today discovered that his female partner was texting someone in Australia boasting that she was having sex with some other man. She said that she was actually winding up the other guy.
He has accepted this explanation but cannot let it go. Every time they have an argument or disagreement, he gets jealous, and brings it up. She is now telling him to get over it, move on, or find somebody else.
He keeps thinking about the incident and can't let it go. I decided to teach him some thinking exercises.
I started on the Tiger exercise. He immediately told me that he cannot visualise a Tiger. In fact he cannot visualise anything. I tested with various things.
He couldn't even visualise a circle. He said that when he thought about the Tiger what came to mind was his own cat. A fat and lazy cat. But he wasn't seeing the cat. He was experiencing the cat.
He had no visual ability at all. I therefore could not use the thinking exercises. So, I didn't really know what to do.
Finding the source of the jealousy
I asked him what he gets when he thinks about the texting incident. He told me that he can remember the car, and her leaving her phone on charge, and him thinking there's something odd about the text he'd seen, and then checking again later. And then feeling jealous.
But he could not 'see' any of it. And he was quite astonished that I could visualise things easily and clearly. He appeared quite worried by this as if there was some sort of deficit in him. But when he was talking about the incident he said "I can feel it now". So I decided to do metaphor replacement therapy or remove his jealousy.
I got him to think himself back to the incident and he quite quickly got the feeling. When he confirmed he had the feeling I asked him how big it was. "Massive". I asked them what colour it was.
He said "maybe black?". He was not visualizing it. I asked him "is it hot or cold?". He said it's cold. I asked him "what shape is it?". He said it's like the shape of a person, and outlined shoulders and a waist in the torso.
Removing the feeling
I asked him "can you make it a little bigger". He immediately said "no". I asked him if he could make a little bit smaller?. He immediately said "yes".
Very quickly he made it so small it could fit in his hand. I asked him what would happen when it goes away. "Then I could be free. I could have a chance of getting her back again. And I would be able to make good decisions again."
I then asked him what he wanted to happen to that thing. He said he wanted to throw it away. He imagined himself standing on a cliff and throwing this thing down.
I then talked him through this thing going into the soil and rusting and turning into earth and being washed away.
I then tested him to go back to the incident and see if there was any feeling left. He could find no feeling. But he still wasn't convinced that it had gone. I talked about the process for a while and explained how it all worked.
Getting rid of the last bit of jealous feeling
Eventually he said that he's got another issue. He has jealousy about an ex-partner of his wife's who in his opinion stands too close to her and is trying to upset him. He gets angry and jealous whenever he is near his wife. I asked him to go back into the feeling. He got that.
Then I asked him "and what is it like?". "It's like a sheet, a sheet enveloping me."
He then said that he could pull the sheet off and I got him to do that in detail. He said that he'd thrown the sheet down on the ground. I asked him to pick it up. He had it between his hands. And I then got him to do something to it.
I suggested he could tear or shred it or set fire to it. He decided to set fire to it. It ended up as a small pile of ash very quickly. I got him to blow it away and sweep up whatever was left and it was over.
He agreed that the feelings had gone but was still quite skeptical about whether it would stay gone.
What I realized from this client is that I have found a way to deal with people who cannot visualize. I was really surprised at how well metaphor replacement therapy worked for someone who could not visualize at all.
Jealousy Case: Someone else’s jealousy
Jealousy can spoil relationships in different ways. This client was a nice steady man who is being driven to distraction by his wife's jealousy.
When they go out, down to the pub, or just shopping, his wife's jealousy stops him even looking towards another woman. Even if he accidentally glances in some other woman's direction, his wife gets enraged and yells at him.
My client had put up with this for years, but it seems to be escalating.
There is nothing particularly wrong with my client, except an being over eager to please. Throughout his marriage, he has always done everything he can to keep his wife happy.
But now it's getting to a stage where she is so jealous that it is ruining their relationship.
You can't cure someone else's jealousy
My problem was that I cannot fix her jealousy by treating him. He wanted some sort of hypnosis that would prevent him from ever looking at another woman.
That is, he wanted me to do something that would mean his eyes would automatically avert themselves if there was a woman in his field of view. He hoped that would prevent his wife getting jealous and making a scene.
I felt that his level of wanting to please went beyond normal. He was quite willing to change his behavior to fit in with absolutely anything his wife demanded.
This suggested to me that he had some sort of self esteem issues. He was constantly allowing someone else to walk all over him. But if I changed him so that he stood up to his wife's bad behavior then this would probably wreck his marriage.
That was not the outcome he wanted. He wanted to avoid precisely that.
Using Behavioural therapy for jealousy
So I thought back to my psychology training days. If his wife's behavior was triggered by some stimulus in the environment, then I should be able to provide another stimulus that would create a different behavior in her. As in classical conditioning, I could substitute a new behavior for an old behavior.
I suggested that because it was his behavior that triggered the wife's criticism, he could do something else as well. Every time he finds himself looking at a woman, he should add a head shake.
She can then interpret that as him rejecting that woman. If the two behaviors are always presented together, the second behavior will cancel out the first one.
He thought this was a good idea, and certainly worth trying. But he came here to be hypnotized, and he wanted hypnosis. Fair enough.
So I hypnotized him, and used Parts therapy aimed at installing a new part in him that would never forget to add the head shaking.
He left very pleased, and keen to try out his new behavior. I felt it was an interesting use of Behavioral Therapy to change someone else's behavior.
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Jealousy can ruin the best of relationships. You don't have to suffer from it. Remove the basic cause of it. And enjoy a deep satisfying relationship.
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