Why don't counselors give advice?

Giving advice is not their role. The job of a counsellor is to help you understand what makes you act the way you do. The purpose of counseling is to help you become more resilient. The idea is that when you truly understand the origin of your problems, you will know how to solve it. Advising you prevents you from getting insight into your real issue. Many people who come to counseling already know what to do. They need help with overcoming the emotional blocks stopping them doing it.

What's wrong with giving advice?

Counselors are trained to empower you. They believe that if you tell people what to do, even if it is right, you are taking their power away. Counselors want you to find your own way out. They try to guide you to find the solution by yourself . It may be obvious to the counselor, but telling you prevents you from developing your own skills. By finding it yourself, you are more confident in your abilities to deal with other problems. You are also more likely to follow through, and stick with your new behavior if you created it yourself. Some people see getting told what to do as criticizing what they are doing . This implied criticism might damage their relationship with the counselor. Advice tends to fix the symptoms , not the causes. Sometimes giving advice will fix the current problem, but won't fix the real issues. You need to own your choices. What if the counsellor advised a vulnerable person to get a divorce? Or terminate their pregnancy? Or defy their parents and get tattooed? The results could affect them for years to come. It is culturally unacceptable. When you give anyone advice, you are in fact telling them to act according to your beliefs and values. That is always wrong. You must work with and respect the beliefs and values of the other person. They are not experts on your problem. You are the expert on your problem. You have all the information. Only you know the full depth of your complex and interconnected emotional issues. The counselor may in fact not know what to do, but can still help you to find your own answer. It leads to dependency. If you get told what to do every time you have a problem, you will never learn how to cope. Too much help can be a bad thing. You can become a victim who needs to be rescued.

So what do counselors do?

Going to counseling creates a safe place. You can talk freely, rant, blame, without being judged or criticized. They help you explore your options and choices. They help you weigh up the options so you can decide what to do. Suggest tools and ideas for you to try out in your own time. They guide you to decisions that are in your own best interests. Sometime what you want to try might have side-effects you never thought of. They help you think through how other people might react to what you want to do, and how to get round it. You get a chance to talk through your issues. Sometimes it helps to talk through your feelings. To have someone hear, and acknowledge how you feel can be positive. It also helps clear up what you actually want and what you feel about something. Alice in Wonderland said "How can I know what I think, until I've heard what I have to say?" Focus you on solutions, instead of problems. They help you to come up with things you can do yourself to improve things. Help set realistic goals. Unrealistic goals lead to frustration and disappointment, even despair. Progress towards a sensible goal makes you more confident and self reliant. Help you evaluate your result. What you did since the last session, and how useful it was, or why you couldn't do it.

Is all counseling the same?

Every counselor's training is based to one particular theory of human behavior. They are usually required to use only methods and tools that fit that theory. It is called a modality. Some registered counselors must stick to the modality approved by their Board. Others include other modalities. This is known as Eclectic Counseling . The counseling you get depends on the theory used. If your counselor comes from a religious college, then you can expect faith based guidance. If your counselor is Psychodynamic , then it will be based largely on Freudian ideas. If their training is in Narrative Therapy , then you will get asked to create a story of your life. The most common is Rogerian , 'unconditional positive regard' . This tries to not force a theory, but to understand your life as you see it. Every type of counselling has advantages and disadvantages. There are also specialist counselors. You get Student Counseling, Careers Guidance, Relationship counselors, Life Coaches, and many more. For some of these you have to have a professional registration, some not. Many of this type of counselor will give always give advice, and recommend what to do. The line between Counselling and Advisor is often blurred.

Counseling Wellington Counseling with Therapy A Better Way

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Counseling is not all the same

Did you know there are different styles of counselling? Choosing the wrong counselor is worse that having no counsellor.
Most counselling is passive. You talk, they listen. Most are trained to never give advice. The theory is that by talking it through, you will somehow find your own solution.
Wellington Counseling is not passive. I concentrate on why you feel the way you do, and how to fix it. One-size-fits-all therapy doesn't work. You are unique. You feelings come from your history. You need someone who starts from that idea.

I have 21 years experience of using the right tool on the real problem. Isn't that what you want?

CONFIDENCE COUNSELING

Anxiety and confidence are two sides of the same coin. Once something or someone crushes your confidence you find it hard to bounce back again. Then anxiety grows, you worry about what might go wrong, and that knocks away more confidence.

You need to find a way to break out of that cycle. When you are in that cycle of self doubt you sometimes lose sight of the bigger picture. Details seem overwhelming. There seems to be no way out.

Talking to a professional at Wellington Counseling will help you get your feelings back into perspective. Once you have someone to share your concerns with, they don't seem so bad, do they?

Anxiety counseling does more than provide a friendly ear. You get another view. You get a trained professional to analyze your situation. You don't have a conversation, you get an in depth exploration of the underlying issues.

Lack of confidence has roots in the past. Anxiety comes from applying past feelings to today's problems. When we find the source of your anxiety we can show you how to let it go. And that clears the way to lifelong confidence.

So don't put up with it any more. Maybe it is time to ask for help from Wellington Counseling?

It might feel impossible, but you need to start somewhere. Check the calendar to see what times might suit you.

SEXUAL COUNSELING

Your sexuality is the core of who you are. A poor sex life affects every aspect of your well being. A sex counselor is not the same as a sex therapist.

A sex therapist helps you with the physical side of sex and sexuality. Sex Counselling focus on how you feel about matters relating to sex.

Wellington Counseling can help with issues of performance or identity or abuse or relations. Sexual problems often are anxiety problems, disguised as something else. The real cause might be low self image, or unrealistic expectations of yourself.

It also can be fear of failure, childhood indoctrination or many other things. It is often a question of trust. A very common cause is childhood sexual abuse, and the shame and fear caused by that.

Depression can cause lack of interest, physical effects and solitude.

Sexuality is complex, and sexual problems have been around since Adam and Eve. Most respond well to therapy. There is no reason to let it go on.

Even if you have tried other things, it is worth talking to someone experienced at Wellington Counseling. Explore the link between sex and your feelings. It might surprise you how easy it is. See if there is a time to suit you.

SOCIAL COUNSELING

People without social confidence find it difficult to meet new people. They blush and get flustered. They get on well enough with workmates. But their day consists of - go to work, go home, go to bed, go to work again. Without social confidence what you miss is social warmth.

Humans are social animals. We evolved to live in groups, in families and villages. But modern life is forcing more and more of us to live and work in isolation. When we lose our social support group, we no longer have the resilience to deal with personal feelings. Social Anxiety comes in many forms. See the specialized page about specific therapies.

Social confidence is not the same as social phobia. Social Confidence is about being comfortable in social situations other than work situations. It is about being able to expose your feelings to others, not about business transactions.

If you feel you are not getting enough out of life, or you just don't connect, or you feel alone while surrounded by people, perhaps talking about about it is the right first step? See what counselling times are available.

WORKPLACE COUNSELING

Work is a major part of our lives. Working involves dealing with employees, managers, suppliers and customers. It also involves risk and deadlines and demands. All of these cause stress, disruption and anxiety.

Severe pressure of work affects your social life and your self esteem. Gossip, sarcasm, isolation, envy are inevitable at work. Sour relationships affect your mental wellbeing. You might not think of it as workplace anxiety. Procrastination, bullying, burnout and loneliness are workplace related.

Counselling is cheaper than a court case. Investing in good mental hygiene will pay in lower staff turnover, fewer disputes and more flexible processes.

Counseling can be booked by the employer for staff. Or employees set up their own sessions. All sessions are totally confidential. See what times are available.

Counseling Wellington
Counseling with Therapy
A better way

Counseling Wellington and Upper Hutt